Pictured: Procrastination
Luckily, something beautiful and organic happened this weekend that allowed for me to get something up. During the Kentucky post game press conference, Andrew Harrison chose to mumble some...controversial things under his breath while Karl-Anthony Towns responded to a question regarding Frank Kaminsky. I watched the video of this and, quite honestly, I found it hilarious. However, the internet exploded in what has slowly become the second coming of Isiah Thomas saying if Larry Bird was black he'd just be another good player.
We need to settle this beef right away, especially considering the racial climate we live in today. Which led to me asking for help from Matthew Cartwright Lyons. I don't know if Cartwright is actually his middle name, and I don't really care. In my mind his father loved watching Bill Cartwright and decided to name his son after him in hopes that Matt would eventually develop his basketball skills to match Cartwright, rather than, "That cocky, flashy, Jordan asshole."
This is the solution to once and for all squash the issue. Teaming up Kaminsky and Harrison to produce the film, White Men Can't Jump 2. Matt, take it away.
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In 1992, two basketball teams took the world by storm. One was world known, revolutionary, and changed the landscape of basketball for eternity. The other? The dream team of the 92 Olympics.
The first team you ask? A couple of guys who took down race to tear down the parks in the City of Angels. Sidney Deane and Billy Hoyle.
Sidney was your dream playground teammate. A respectable 5’ 9” flashy, shit talking guard who can penetrate, shoot, and D up. Billy on the other hand, the prototypical guy you would see tearing up your noon ball session at the local YMCA. Lights out shooter, good ball handling skills, and a girlfriend of a different race.
These two did not always get along, though. In fact, since they were both so skilled, they respected but hated each other. Move to 2015, and we have a similar setting without the script being finished. This is the synopsis of White Men Can’t Jump 2 – 3-balls and Drop Steps
Actually, fuck it. We’re going to talk about Aaron Harrison because he has been way better than his brother in clutch moments. All Andrew did was mutter something under his breath because he’s too shy to say how he actually feels. He deserves a downgrade for being scared of telling. Rather than say what Andrew said, I will provide a photo from a famous interview of another basketball player that should be recognizable and interpretable from the unbelievably foul language Harrison used for Kaminsky. Somebody should watch that young man’s mouth with soap.
Harrison, hailing from Texas, was an All-American recruit with high hopes of being a first round pick, national champion, and Kentucky legend. Harrison’s most notable moment? Hitting two game-winning 3-balls in back-to-back games in the 2014 NCAA Tournament, one of those beating Wisconsin in the Final Four.
Kaminsky, from Illinois was a 4-star recruit with offers from Wisconsin, Bradley, DePaul, and other white schools that fit who he is perfectly. Kaminsky’s most notable moment? This past weekend he used a drop step to get fouled and seal the go-ahead free throws for Wisconsin to dethrone the undefeated Kentucky Wildcats and get to the national championship game. Other notable moment and similar to Billy? He also has a girlfriend of another race. Who? Olivia Munn.
Not too shabby for a 6’10” lanky white dude, am I right?
Intro: The sun rises over a Midwestern town with just a basketball court in focus. Kaminsky is shooting on a court with a white backboard and orange square. He had to use a peach basket until he got to college because he lived in such a rural area (like this). Luckily though, he has an iPhone 4. He’s been tweeting at the Harrison twins, calling them a couple of copycats who choke in and on the big ones.
The focus switches, a Rolls Royce with a big UK logo comes driving in while Kaminsky gets an update on his iPhone 4. His 3G isn’t great, so it’s a text update from Twitter. You know? The 404-04 number? Yeah, one of those. It’s Aaron, and he’s on his way to stick up for himself instead of hiding behind Willy and Karl.
This sounds a little familiar....
Harrison gets out of the car, the driver asks him, “You gonna need some cheese for this cracker?” Harrison replies, “Naw, he’ll be expired after this.” Kaminsky doesn’t even do anything. Just does a nice, fundamentally sound chest bounce pass to Harrison and says, “Shoot for ball… idiot.”
Harrison shoots, Harrison misses. Classic. Kaminsky says 1 to 11, make it-take it, no 2’s “because my dad didn’t point a 3-point line on this court”. Harrison hates the idea, but respects the house rules, he replies with “No elbows.”
Kaminsky backs down Harrison, shows off his fancy, yet fleet footwork and nails a hook shot over Harrison’s lax defense. They check, Kaminsky is picked immediately; Harrison spins back and slams it home. He proceeds to flex on Kaminsky in the key, which as we all know, is a no flex zone.
They go back and forth trading hooks, slams, jumpers, and pump fakes. Tied at 10, Kaminsky has the ball and says “Win by 1, not 2.” And then shoots from 15 feet and nails it. Just like a shot clock being expired before you get the shot off, Kaminsky pulled a quick one by pointing out a convenient house rule for the win.
Harrison, too pissed to even do anything about it, hops in the back of his UK Rolls Royce. Kaminsky yells “If you want cheese for this cracker, it better be gouda, none of that Kraft cheddar shit.” Harrison rolls down the window and says “See you at the draft.”
The draft comes around. Our two subjects eye each other down in the green room. Harrison in a nice black on black tux, Kaminsky looks goofy as fuck in a regular tux with a cummerbund and bowtie. Neither of them is getting calls from any of the teams. Then at pick 14, they each get a call from the Knicks. Phil Jackson tells them he wants both of them. Yes, Phil Jackson has no idea what he is doing and thinks he can pick two people with the same pick. Is it that crazy to think though? Well of all people, James Dolan steps in and tells Phil he needs to make a trade. So he does. He trades his 1st round picks for the next 4 years to get the 15th and 16th picks in the draft. They end up with, coincidentally, Harrison and Kaminsky.
Throughout training camp, these two continue to talk shit to each other and go after each other in practice. Derek Fisher does not know how to control them before the opener, so he reaches out to Phil for help. This is when I cannot tell you what happens. All we know is Jackson went into a room with both of them, a towel was laid down at the bottom of the door, and they all kept saying he was the Zen Master for the next three hours.
It was safe to say, these two were now getting along.
These two take the league by storm, by putting history aside. Though Harrison every once in a while does sleep with Olivia Munn to cause some drama and because she is damn hot. Kaminsky respects it as a power move and because he has no idea how to stick up for himself off of the court. He’s too classy to start drama. So as a classy man, Kaminsky recognizes it’s okay for Harrison to slay Munn if it’s best for the team.
Pictured: team player
Each of them average a double-double throughout the year running Derek Fisher’s triangle to perfection and ignoring Carmelo because his stomach continues to grow. They high-five on the court because Kaminsky does not know how to do cool handshakes. Kaminsky pump fakes his way to the all-star game. He’s a rookie but plays a like a crafty vet, even though he is lanky like Quagmire. Harrison muscles his way as he is a big guard and is all about power moves on and off of the court like Delonte West.
At the end of the season, the Knicks go 78-4 with losses only to the 76ers because tanking worked, believe it or not. Because tanking worked, they also lost in the Eastern Conference Finals (just like in college, they will not get a championship). Because of clauses in their contract, they have to be re-signed and neither of them are willing to take a pay cut, and Kaminsky is finally tired of Harrison banging his woman. While they no longer hate each other, they do realize that money ruins everything and their hustle can no longer stay strong.
After the negotiations don’t work out, the two have a friendly phone call reminiscing about everything that has happened in the last year and how they have came so far as players, friends, and people. Right before they get off the phone, Kaminsky is all-weird and says “You were the gouda that went between mine and Olivia’s cracker.”
These two as a team are not near what Sidney and Billy were. Just like a second White Men Can’t Jump will never be as good as the first. Just like the drop step Kaminsky pulled to get fouled will never be as good as the 3-pointer Harrison it. The point being, being first matters, just like Ray-J.
Photos and other shit courtesy of:
Wherever the fuck Matt found his photos
http://www.djkevinscott.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/dream-team-group.jpg
http://images.amcnetworks.com/ifc.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/021012_whitemen.jpg
http://i.ytimg.com/vi/m0uEHnO7tEE/hqdefault.jpg
http://data1.whicdn.com/images/133594349/original.png
https://cbsnewyork.files.wordpress.com/2013/12/nba-draft-lottery.jpg?w=625
http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mb4etoDKpn1re1a54o2_1280.png
http://www.trendfashion2013.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/37_lisa_olivia_munn.jpg
http://www.kiss925.com/files/drunky.jpg
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